I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
