Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
its not stalking. its research.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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