ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
