i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
