I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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