I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
