it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
