now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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