god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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