My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
