Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
