you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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