I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
