I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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