I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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