You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
