im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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