we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
