I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
