you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
