Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
