I'm eating all of the evidence.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
