i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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