just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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