First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
