I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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