my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
