i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
