he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
