i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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