I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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