guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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