OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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