Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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