I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm both gender and math confused
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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