I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
