i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
