you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
