some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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