did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
