Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
