4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
