Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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