I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
