this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
