youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
