Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
