sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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