I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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