I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
