Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
