i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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