I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
