Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So squirting runs in the family.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
