I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
