Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she looked like the before picture.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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