Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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