nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
