Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
