I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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