my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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