I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
