Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
